


Inhale/Exhale

by TheLateNightStoryTeller



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: A bit weird?, F/F, I tried a new style, Start of season 4, i dunno lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-10 19:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11132826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLateNightStoryTeller/pseuds/TheLateNightStoryTeller
Summary: Set between season 3 and season 4, Cosima and Delphine are separated by space and uncertainty but they still manage to make a kind of connection.





	Inhale/Exhale

Cosima is so tired it feels like she’s been filled up with steel but she can’t fall asleep. It’s not the constant ache that’s keeping her up tonight, or the rasp in her chest, it’s a cold feeling of dread that’s settled stubbornly into the pit of her stomach.

It’s been over a week since she’s seen the sky but as she stares up at the ceiling she tries to imagine herself floating up through the concrete, up through the roof and out under the open air. She’s dodging thoughts like bullets because if enough of them hit her she’s afraid she’ll succumb to their conclusion. As soon as she thinks it, it’s going to feel real. And it can’t be real.

If only she weren’t so tired, maybe she’d able to escape them and fall asleep.

_Delphine can’t remember ever being this tired. It’s like someone’s come along and scooped out her bones. Her stomach hurts, throbbing in time with her heart, but that’s not why she can’t seem to give in to her exhaustion._

_No one is telling her anything. She doesn’t know where she is or why she’s still alive. She doesn’t know how much time has passed, but she’s trying to. Thoughts streak by her like raindrops she’s too slow to catch._

_If only she weren’t so exhausted, maybe she’d be able to grasp onto one._

Someone moves in another room, a scuffling of feet, and it’s enough to snap Cosima’s thread-thin concentration. One thought hits her, then another, splattering against her like cold rain.

They don’t know where Delphine is. She was in danger. She’d come to say goodbye. That’s what that had been hadn’t it? She was saying goodbye. Something’s happened to her. Something awful. Cosima should have known better than to let her leave. She should have trusted her. She should have stopped her from leaving. She should have seen where the other woman’s heart was. Delphine, her Delphine through and through, where had that dedication led her?  

Cosima shuts her eyes tight, trying to make it stop, but it’s too late and her stomach hurts where the dread has exploded into cold fear.

_Her stomach hurts. The room smells like antiseptic. It’s clean, which is odd, but Delphine struggles to remember why that would be strange._

_She was in a garage._

_At last, a memory she can grasp onto, exploding into detail. She remembers being shot. Being brought into a helicopter. Doctors. Pain. Krystal Goderitch. Was she alright? Would they have killed her for what she’d seen? Delphine had done her best to convince them that she was naïve, non-threatening, but would all that work matter after she’d seen what had happened?_

_She can’t protect her anymore. Not Krystal, not Sarah or Helena or Alison or… or Cosima. Any of them could be killed and she wouldn’t be able to stop it now. What did she leave behind to keep them safe? Nothing. She’d failed all of them. Cosima, her Cosima, she’d failed her._

_No._

_Defiance stirs in her chest. No, not yet. She’s still there. Still breathing. If she can figure out where she is, why she’s here, who brought her, then maybe she can still be useful._

_With great effort, she cracks open her eyes._

It isn’t until after a fit of coughing that she manages to slow her breathing. This isn’t the time to panic, right? It’s too soon to know anything for sure, isn’t it? She clenches her fist, trying to stop herself from shaking.

Delphine is alive. She has to be. She’s out there somewhere, expecting her to stay alive too. Something’s happened, but she’s going to be OK. She’ll come back right? Or they’ll find her?

Concentrating, she can feel the ghost of Delphine’s hand on her own, telling her that they’re going to keep trying to find a cure. Carefully, she calls up the details of the other woman’s face illuminated by the blue light of the computer screen. She remembers the shape of her eyes and the way her hair falls when it’s straightened. She remembers the way she smells and way her voice softens just for her. She remembers how she used to smile before things got bad, when her hair fell in curls instead of sheets.

She misses her so much, it feels like a piece of her is missing. It’s a constant feeling of having forgotten something critically important, like she’s walking into space without a suit on. If she gives up now, she loses any chance she has of ever seeing her again. It’s the uncertainty that keeps her holding on, no matter how small, because if Delphine is out there and she lets her go she’ll never forgive herself.

‘I love you.’ She’s thinking it before she has time to question why. ‘Delphine, wherever you are, I love you and you have to hold on for me. I’m holding on too. We can hold on together.’ Her breath catches, tears burning behind her eyes and her next thought is even more confusing than the previous ones. ‘Please, just let her come back to me.’

She’s never prayed before, and that isn’t even really what this is. She isn’t talking to God, or a god, or anyone for that matter. She’s not praying, she’s pleading with the universe.

‘I’ll hold on. I’ll keep fighting. Just bring her back to me.’

  _She is in a round room. The medical equipment around her clashes jarringly with the furs on the wall and rudimentary furniture. Wherever she is, it’s far away from Cosima and her sisters. She remembers a helicopter and she thinks it must have been a long trip but she wasn’t lucid enough during the flight to be sure._

_She’s far away. They would have taken her away from them. She isn’t sure why she was kept alive but it wasn’t for them._

_Whatever they want her for though, she isn’t going to be their pawn. If her heart is still beating it doesn’t beat for neolution or DYAD or whatever name this faction gave itself, it beats for Cosima and her family. They could take almost anything from her, her life included if they chose, but they can’t take away who she is or who she loves._

_Even so, she’s afraid. She was afraid in that parking lot, of dying alone and uncertain of the fate of those she left behind, and she’s afraid now because has no way of knowing what’s going to happen next… or what’s already happened._

_If she focuses hard enough, she can picture Cosima waiting for her outside the soap shop that night. She can remember each word she spoke and how soft her face was under her touch, how alive it was. Carefully, she can go back further, she can remember when it seemed Cosima was incapable of sitting still, when she hummed like a hummingbird’s heartbeat. It wasn’t so long ago that she’d been so much stronger than she was the last time Delphine had seen her. How much more had she deteriorated since she’d been gone?_

_‘Don’t give up.’ The words are in her head before she realizes what she’s thinking. ‘I’m tired too. I understand it now, how tired you are, but you need to hold on. I love you, and I’ll never leave you. So, don’t be afraid, don’t give up.’_

_She can’t know if Cosima is still alive but she refuses to believe that she isn’t. If she lets her go, she’s given up on her, and she’d never forgive herself for that._

_But what can she do? She can’t even move to wipe the tears from her face._

_‘Don’t let her die.’ She doesn’t know who she’s talking to but she doesn’t care. ‘I’ll keep fighting, just don’t let her die. Hold on, I’m right here. I’m still with you.’_

_It’s not a prayer, it’s a frightened and helpless plea to the universe. It’s a wish so desperately wanted she needs to put it into words._

‘I’m here.’ The words are in Cosima’s head but they don’t feel like hers. She’s finally began drifting to sleep and to her incoherent mind they almost make sense. She knows whose they are and her body relaxes, her fear leaves her.

_‘I’m here.’ Delphine’s head is full of fog, she’s falling unconscious again and the words don’t feel like hers. It doesn’t make sense, but she is no longer afraid._

‘I’ll find you.’

_‘I’ll find you.’_

 ‘I love you.’

_‘I love you.’_

It’s the last thought both of them have before they fall asleep. They dream the same dream of a field of grass, of laying down together and watching the night turn to day. When they wake, they don’t remember the dream or the words but for just a moment they do remember what it felt like.

**Author's Note:**

> So this has been in my drafts for a while lol but I wanted to post it because the new promo (Finale Trip Rule 11) sort of reminded me of it, with the last scene having Delphine's eyes closed and Cosima's open. That's really what I was trying to do with this was having them be the inverse of each other and then sort of come together as the fic went on. Not sure that's entirely what came across, but I took the promo as a sign to post lol


End file.
